She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
