oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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