Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
