my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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