I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize