I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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