Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
