U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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