Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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