He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
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When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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