I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
