can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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