and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
