Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
