Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.