Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.