then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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