Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
