I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
