At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
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We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
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We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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