Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
