checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
