when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
