wanna go halves on a baby?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
