mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I want a musical about memes.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
