sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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