Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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