hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
