why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I need to sanitize my soul.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
