You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I could fuck to npr.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
