it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
