tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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