I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We need a shit load of segways right now
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize