I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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