She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He better not be in your backpack
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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