I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
