Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
