I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
