she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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