I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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