So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
