i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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