Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
