I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
