I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
