i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
