I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
