yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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