she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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