Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
