arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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