I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
from now on my penis is your penis
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She even gives head with a lisp.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
