I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
