did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
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He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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