Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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