Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
