I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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