Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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