nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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