already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
