Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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