i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
