I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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