a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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